Chapter 18 The Big Bad Love Machine

125.

Jeremy had been given, a cape of tin foil as if he was the survivor of a natural disaster in shock, and a mug of green tea had been forced into his hands.

His mother was opposite him on the table, bubbling on the verge of tears.

‘Jeremy, point out on the teddy bear where she touched you.’

It was a pink teddy bear with a white belly and black-button eyes.

‘Mom, this fucking stupid, can I leave.’ He said, getting a little pissed off.

‘Don’t use that tone with me, Jeremy.’ She clenched her jaw, then whimpered: ‘I’m trying to help you. You’re traumatized. The succubus has squandered your wits. I need to know where she… hurt you. Please help me.’

Jeremy sighed, then licked the teddy bear from crotch to asshole, before stuffing it in the front of his trousers.

‘Fuck you.’ He said. ‘You treated Victoria like shit, for no reason. It wasn’t rape mom, the sex was really fucking fun actually.’

‘Oh “no reason?”’ She said, and fake laughed. ‘Ha ha, what a bag of laughs that is. Jeremy,’ then she dropped the bomb. ‘You have a fiancé.’

Jeremy sighed.

‘Mom,’ said Jeremy. ‘I am not marrying my first cousin.’

‘BUT THE DOWRY’S ALREADY BEEN PAID!’ she screamed. ‘Deals have been made, it’s all been arranged.’

‘I don’t like her, you know why? Because I haven’t fucking met her yet. I don’t even know which cousin she is. I keep forgetting her name, is that a fucking clue, mom? Is that a fucking clue that maybe I don’t like her.’

‘She is the love of your life, Jeremy! You will be married for a hundred years, and you will spawn a litter of inbred children for me to grandmother.’

‘No!’

‘For fudge sake,’ she began fanning herself with one hand, ‘I mean, Sugar-honey-ice-tea, Jeremy, do you want to see me cry, is that it?’     

‘Yes.’

She swallowed and clasped the All Mother’s holy symbol hung from her neck (a single spaghetti hoop, frozen in a cube of see-through plastic and cost $12.99 on the dark web) dangling from her neck.  

‘All Mother give me strength,’ then she said at point-blank range: ‘Jeremy, if you ever, and I mean ever talk to Victoria again, I will kick you out of this house, and you can starve on the streets. I will be checking your phone from now on, to make sure you don’t call her behind my back.’

Jeremy paused.

‘You wouldn’t,’ he said.

‘I would.’ Said his mom. ‘Because I love you, Jeremy.’ A buzzing of lightbulbs could be heard, the two people stared at each other in a sudden death staring contest. ‘Now, supper is nearly ready, would you please set the table.’ Jeremy scraped back his chair. ‘Without the attitude, please.’

Jeremy went outside to pluck dinner plates and cutlery off the washing line.

His little sister was spit-roasting a turkey over a trashcan filled with fire. She was wearing steel gauntlets to protect her hands and was turning the spit with a crank.

‘Victoria’s a whore.’ She said.

‘Shut the fuck up.’ Said Jeremy.

‘You’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life.’

‘I said shut-‘

The turkey dropped into the fire. They both looked at their dinner turning to smoke before their eyes.

‘I hate you.’ Said the sister.

Jeremy didn’t reply. 

126.

‘Wake up pooch, you gotta get up and do your business.’ said Jeremy’s dad.

Max who had been sleeping on a pile of blankets by the radiator, raised his head, then said: ‘Sorry you seem to be operating under a misapprehension, master. I’ve already done my quote-unquote “business” outside.’

The dad started hitting the dog with a rolled up magazine. ‘OBEY!’ the father screamed.

‘Oh, for the river Styx, I’m going, I’m going just give me a pinch full of heart beats to get up.’

‘That’s right you are.’

The dad escorted the dog outside.

The dog pretended to evacuate his bladder onto the lawn. ‘My, my I do believe this is the most serene kidney-tapping I’ve had in my life.’ Said the dog. ‘Hot and steamy, like earl grey tea.’ Then then the dog pretended to finish up, then walked back to the front door when he realized it was shut.

Jeremy’s parents had spiraled into an argument on the other side. 

‘Hello,’ said Max. ‘Humans, my bladder has fully emptied, business accomplished, and I am now prepared to be let back inside.’

The argument intensified.

Max began scratching the door.

The argument began to move further inside the house.

The dog would of course not lower himself as to bark, he wasn’t an animal.

‘Hello,’ the dog called. ‘I seem to be have left outside by mistake would I have permission to-‘ A sudden cloudburst, rain drops big as golf balls pelted the dog from the sky, ‘OPEN THIS DOOR!’ he barked, in sync with a thunderclap that obliterated his voice. The thunder was like an ACDC band destroying heaven with their music. ‘FAMILY!’

Again the dog’s voice sounded barely like a whisper, next to the A-bombs exploding through the sky.

‘Oh, poop.’ He said.

The dog then proceeded to try and find the driest bit of rainstorm to sleep in. 

127.

Charlie was having his fifth shower that day, his head propped against the tiled wall, the water slipping down his spine like a layer of clingfilm before bursting apart and uzi fire spitting on the floor.  He’d had maybe an hour’s conversation all week and he’d hit the stage where his brain began to melt and thinking was hard.

Who cares. He thought.

He stayed in the shower until it got cold, when he finally switched off the water pressure.

He wore a towel skirt back into his bedroom, where his bird chirped at him from his cage.

‘Hello little guy.’ He fueled up the bird feeder with bird feed. ‘You like me, don’t you? Little birdy?’

The bird chirped, then dove head first into the bird seed.

‘Thanks.’ Said Charlie, smiling feebly. ‘I like you too.’  He thought a bit more. ‘Want me to read you a bed time story?’

The bird briefly raised its head out of the seed and chirped.

‘Okay, okay, settle down.’

Charlie took out the manuscript, he’d been working on, and began to read.

‘It was august 5th 1962, and the six armed princess had just demolished the remains of her vegan burger…’

‘Chirp.’

‘How is that a cliché?’

‘Chirp, chirp.’

‘Fine, fine, all criticism appreciated, but could you wait until the end, before tearing the story to pieces?’ 

‘Chirp chirrrrrrrp.’

‘Thank you. Ahem, her part-octopus, part-battle-drone butler flew into the room carrying a tray of tea with the power of his mind to the table…’ -

‘Chirp.’

‘Magic.’

‘Chirp.’

‘And the princess said: “Oh Hankstein the third, I have been struggling with the Rieman Hypothesis for so long, I fear it may drive me mad!”

‘“Worry not” said the part-octopus, part-battle-drone butler Hankstein the third, telepathically. “For my archaeologists have found the fossil of a dead dinosaur genie in the Antarctic and I believe there is enough DNA fragments to clone it in the laboratory.”

‘“Oh that is such wonderful news-”’

‘Chirp.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Chirp chirp.’

‘Of course not; picking up where I left off: “Oh that is such wonderful news.” Said the princess. “Hankstein the third, you are the best part-octopus, part -battle-drone telepathic, demon battle-drone butler a six armed princess could ask for.’

The bird squawked angrily.

‘I know, I know, I lied.’ Said Charlie, smiling. ‘It’s repetitive and I’ll downsize it when I send it off.’

‘Chipetty, chippetty.’ The bird went from foot to foot.

‘I was REALLY TIRED!’

‘CHIRP!’

‘Hush, while I tell the rest of the story. And so the princess rode her chariot- a beach ball sized balloon with a spinning pin wheel sticking out the back - out the window and to the royal laboratory.’

‘What?’ said the bird.

‘WHAT!’ said Charlie, startled.

‘Chirp.’

There was a moment silence, where the two looked at each other.

Charlie rubbed his temple.

‘Chirp.’

‘Yes, yes of course.’ Charlie leaned forward, let the bird out its cage, it swooped out and the bird listened to the rest of the story from his shoulder.

An hour later:

‘And so-‘ said Charlie stopping to unhinge his jaw and yawn. ‘The zombie, alien, cyborg genie took the dragon by the throat and threw it into the sun. End chapter.’

The bird was snoring.

Charlie looked at the bird and smiled, he took the creature back in its hand, and put it back in the cage, before locking it shut.  ‘Good night.’ He flopped onto his bed and struggled to drift off to sleep.

128.

Jeremy opened the door, to pick up the daily newspaper.

‘Hello arsehole.’ Said the dog.

‘Max!’ said Jeremy.

‘Yes, tis I, your beloved pet, driven insane by sleep deprivation, Jesus H. Christ Jeremy, it was showering kitchen knives last night!’

‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.’

‘I demand a bath! A warm bath, with bubbles in it, and rubber duckies, and mayhaps I shall forgive you!’

They were in the bath.

‘Scrub-a-dub dub.’ Said the dog, as Jeremy lathered up the dog, ruffling its hair.

‘Max,’ said Jeremy, putting his forehead against the dog’s.

‘What are you doing?’ asked the dog. ‘This is… weirdly erotic.’

‘Max, you’re my prince and I will never leave you outside in the rain again, okay.’

‘Well Jeremy… I’m still incredibly pissed off with you, but considering that I am such a generous soul, I will forgive you just this once, should you choose to accept said forgiveness.’

‘I do.’

‘Very well,’ Max licked Jeremy’s face, and he was laughing.

Max came out the bath, tail wagging, in a waterfall of soapy bubbles.

‘When shall we meet your lady love again?’

Jeremy’s expression turned sour.

‘Um,’ he scratched the back of his neck. ‘Well, mum said…’ he didn’t finish the sentence.

Max’s tail stopped wagging.

‘No.’ said the dog.

‘Yeahhhhhh.’ Admitted Jeremy.

‘Oh, fuck my life.’ Said Max. ‘I liked her. She was nice.’

‘I did too buddy.’ Said Jeremy. ‘I did too.’

129.

Jeremy was walking out The Shop at the end of his shift when he saw Victoria. She looked a bit nervous, but she smiled and waved at him anyway.

‘Hey.’ He said feeling miserable.

‘Hey,’ she said. ‘I um, thought I’d surprise you at work.’ That wasn’t the reason. She was too scared to call him again, after he heard his mom screaming at her, that she was a harpy succubus and stay away from my child. ‘Sorry about upsetting your mom.’

‘About that…’ he said. He took her by the alleyway dumpsters, and delivered the news like a midwife delivering a cosmic horror by C-section.     

‘What do you mean?’ asked Victoria.

‘I mean… I’m never gunna see you again.’ Said Jeremy.

‘Oh.’ Said Victoria. ‘But…’ she fumbled for the right word. ‘But I like you.’

‘I know.’ He said. ‘I like you too.’ He looked tired and miserable. ‘Just… please don’t come back to The Shop.’

She felt like cannibals were ripping out her intestines and using them as a skipping rope. She felt misery gremlins, pole dance down her spine. The woodchipper seemed to open up beneath her feet, and she was just waiting for gravity to kick in so she could fall to her death.

‘Can’t we just keep being friends?’

‘No, we can’t.’ he said. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Okay.’ She fidgeted. ‘Well give… give Max my love. Tell him he’s a good dog.’

‘Sure.’ He said. ‘I’ll do that.’

‘And… if you’re mom, ever changes her mind… well you can call me anytime.’

‘Sure.’ He said, ‘I’ll do that.’

But they both knew his mom was never going to change her mind.

She was a fundamentally broken and insane woman.

Victoria was gone, while Jeremy held his face in his hands, hating himself for all eternity, he’d just thrown away his happily ever after. He was going to die alone, and it was his fault.

Victoria was numb and thoughtless, sat on a bus full of strangers.

‘Whatever.’ She said, as she plugged in her headphones and listened to sad music.

She realized she still had his underwear.

It’s not all bad, She thought.        

***

Chapter 19