Chapter 24 The Big Bad Love Machine

164.

Jeremy was currently gliding down the ice rink, ice shavings showering up from beneath the ice skates, leaving a twin pair of claw marks slithering after his ankles.

Victoria fell on her ass.

‘You okay?’ asked Jeremy.

‘Mhmmm.’ Said Victoria, rubbing her beaten hind quarters.

‘You know I find girls who can’t stand up incredibly sexy.’

‘Thanks Jeremy.’

Jeremy glided over to her.

He didn’t offer assistance. It was more gentlemanly to let her stand up on her own.

She wobbled to her feet.

‘Ha ha!’ Victoria claimed victory. ‘I’m better than you.’ She said.

‘Yeah you are.’ He kissed her, she kissed back, then she overbalanced, she was falling.

‘FUCK!’ they said in sync.

Jeremy grabbed her, spun round her, and then she had fallen on his lap.

‘Huh,’ said Victoria. ‘A cushion.’

‘My ass hurts.’ Said Jeremy.

They stayed for fifteen seconds, while all the other skaters swerved round them.

‘Are you hard?’ asked Victoria.

‘Absolutely not.’ Said Jeremy.

‘Jeremy.’ Victoria warned.

‘Sorry, I think it was when you called me a cushion.’

‘My lovely cushion.’ Said Victoria as they joined lips. Jeremy had a frightened look on his face, it’s never gunna go down now! He thought.

Max the dog was just outside the ice rink, stood on his hind legs with both paws dangling over the rails. He was bantering with the little boy next to him, that was licking his vanilla ice cream.

‘I haven’t the foggiest idea why this ice rink is open in the middle of summer.’ Said Max. ‘They should both be at the beach, tanning in the sun’s warmth, playing Volley ball or some other beach related activity.’ 

The little boy nearly choked.

‘You can talk?’ he said.

165.

‘Suzi.’ Said Missy, shuffling into the kitchen, you could see the seagulls just outside the window. They were on the boat. ‘I think I have a headache.’ She was clutching her forehead and pale. ‘Can you make it better?’

Suzi had her head taken off, and put on the table, with a napkin she was giving her black glass face a polish.

‘Have you tried leaving me alone and blowing your brains out.’ Said Suzi.

‘You mean like sneezing?’ said Missy. ‘I don’t have a blocked nose Suzi, I have a headache.’

‘I know you have a headache,’ said Suzi ‘I just don’t care.’

‘Suzi, I don’t know where any of the medicine is, I’ve never been on this boat before.’

‘Ask Mad Dog.’ Said Suzi.

‘He doesn’t know either.’ Said Missy. ‘And you have a 3D map of the entire ship.’

‘GOD DAMMIT!’ said Suzi. ‘Can’t you see I’m FUCKING BUSY!’

Missy was quiet.

Suzi was quiet.

They stared at each other.

‘If I get you some medicine will you leave me alone?’ asked Suzi.

Missy nodded.

Suzi sighed, picked up her head, and put it back on her shoulders. ‘Come on then, lets go.’

‘Thank you.’ Said Missy.

Suzi took the child to the med bay, where she took a bottle of strawberry flavoured Calpol from the medicine cabinet, plunged in a plastic syringe, pulled back the plunger until it was full of sugar loaded medicine, popped the syringe into Missy’s mouth and hit the plunger.

Missy swallowed and said ‘Than-‘ before she could finish the sentence Suzi slammed an ice pack into the six year old’s fore head, then strapped it onto her skull with duct tape.

‘Cold.’ Said Missy.

‘It’s an ice pack.’ Said Suzi. ‘Now leave me alone.’

Missy looked up at the terrifying robot of death.

‘Can you make me some chicken soup?’ she asked.

‘We were just in the kitchen.’ Said Suzi. ‘Why didn’t you ask me while we were in the kitchen?’

‘Why are you angry at me?’ asked Missy.

Suzi took a deep breath.

‘If I make you some chicken soup will you leave me alone?’

Missy nodded.

‘Do you swear on your life?’ asked Suzi.

‘I swear on my life.’ Said Missy.

Two minutes later Suzi was making Missy chicken soup.

The robot stared menacingly at the child, while she poured the ready mix soup powder into the mug followed swiftly by a splash of boiled kettle water, she quickly whisked it with her first two fingers then slammed the mug down in front of Missy, spilling most of it on the table.

Missy looked at the mug.

‘Can I have a spoon?’ she asked.

Suzi slammed open the cutlery drawer, yanked out a spoon and threw it at the child. The spoon bounced off the ice pack and clattered to the table. Missy took up the spoon and took a sip.

‘This is very tasty. Thank you.’ Said Missy. Suzi took up her handkerchief, and put a hand on either temple to take her head off. ‘Can you read me a bed time story?’ she asked.

Suzi wrapped both hands around Missy’s throat.

Blink.

‘And then the little piggy said, “not by the hair on my chinny chin chin”.’ Said Suzi in Missy’s bedroom, reading a bedtime story from a book on her lap. Missy listened, enraptured by the tale. ‘“Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down.” Said the big bad wolf. Then the…’ Suzi read the remainder of the text and was confused.

‘And then what happened?’ asked Missy.

Suzi sighed. ‘And then the three little piggies opened the door.’ Suzi spoke the words slowly. ‘And inside they were having a Christmas party. The little piggy who had a silver beard down to his knees, put the big bad wolf in a headlock, ruffled the hair on his head, and said: “just messing with ya, come inside we’ve been expecting you”. The big bad wolf shuffled in from the cold, taking slow short steps, for he was very old and couldn’t move like he used to. “Let me take your coat.” said the middle piggy, and took the wolf’s coat, hanging it by the fireplace, so the coat would be nice and warm when he put it back on. The biggest piggy found it difficult to speak nowadays, but he patted the seat next to him with a smile, and the big bad wolf sat in the most biggest, most comfiest chair in the house. Little red riding hood, now a grandmother herself, came in and gave everyone their meals: a vegetarian curry. Everyone sat down closed their eyes put together they’re trotters, paws and hands as the big bad wolf prayed.’ Suzi looked up at Missy. Missy smiled. Suzi continued: ‘”Dear Santa, let us remember those we’ve lost: Hansel, Gretel, all the fairy godmothers, the evil witches, the ginger bread man, Jack Frost, Jack the giant slayer, Jack and Jill. They are now living in the happily ever after. The original fairy tales are now in dwindling supply. But let us rejoice, fill our hearts with hope and Joy, for the new stories that are being written, the new fairy tales beginning. Let us help people as much as we can here on earth before we too must go meet the man upstairs. Let us be kind, let us be humble, let us be good fairy tales until the very end. Merry Christmas everyone.” And they all repeated: “Merry Christmas.”’

Suzi paused.

‘The end.’ She said, and closed the book.

‘That’s a lovely story.’ Said Missy.

‘It’s stupid and unrealistic.’ Said Suzi. ‘Animals can’t talk.’ She turned the book around. ‘Who fucking wrote this? “Agatha Turnipstone?” That is the most made-up name I’ve ever heard in my life. ’

Missy was quiet, her chicken soup had been completely devoured, the mug lay empty on the bedside table. Her eyelids were drooping slightly, she was tired.

‘Suzi?’ she asked.

‘Mhmm.’ Said Suzi.

‘What are you going to do when you grow up?’ asked Missy.

‘What am I going to do when I grow up?’ asked Suzi. Missy nodded. ‘I’m going to turn everything and everyone into atom-thin rings, and I won’t stop until the entire universe has been recycled, and purified, until everything is clean. I will be the only living thing in a dead universe.’

Missy Frowned.

‘That’s stupid.’ she said. ‘Why would you do that?’ 

Suzi rubbed her face. How to explain this to a child? ‘Okay,’ said Suzi. ‘You know how you want everyone to live happy, fulfilling, meaningful lives, dancing underneath the double rainbow, as it rains marshmallows.’ Missy nodded. ‘Well killing everyone and turning their corpses into holes is the exact same thing.’

‘Well you’re not going to turn everyone into spaghetti hoops,’ said Missy, laughing. ‘You’re not going to turn me and Mad Dog into spaghetti hoops, we’re your friends.’

‘I’m not making myself clear, Missy-‘

‘Ooh.’ Said Missy. ‘I nearly forgot,’ Missy got up from her bed, and ran over to the closet where she went rummaging.

‘Missy, listen to me.’ Said Suzi. ‘It’s not that I don’t like you, or that I hate you. I’m going to kill you because you are simply made of atoms that I can turn into other things. Do you understand?’

Missy came back from the closet and put a box wrapped in Christmas paper on Suzi’s lap.

‘Merry Christmas!’ she said.

Suzi looked at the box for a long time.

It had a bow and everything, the wrapping paper was patterned with icons of Christmas cheer: Candy canes, Christmas trees and stockings.

‘Open it.’ Said Missy, kneeling on the bed so she could see Suzi’s reaction.

‘It’s June.’ Said Suzi. ‘It’s nowhere near Christmas.’

‘Doesn’t matter.’ Said Missy. ‘Open it.’

Suzi knew of course what was inside, but she opened it anyway, pulling on one ribbon the bow fell apart, and then she slowly peeled off the wrapping paper. She opened the cardboard box.

Inside was six cans of spaghetti hoops.

She pulled one out and observed the label. Reading it and rereading it.

Heinz

spaghetti hoops.

‘I can’t take these.’ Said Suzi.

‘Why not?’ asked Missy, suddenly worried. ‘Don’t you like them?’

‘I love them.’ Said Suzi. ‘They’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted.’

‘Please take them.’ Said Missy. ‘Please.’

Suzi put the spaghetti hoops back in the box.

‘Thank you.’ Said Suzi. ‘I’ll take good care of them.’ She looked at Missy. Suzi then realized she would never understand this small child. There must be something wrong with her. She must be mentally ill, suffering from some horrible brain defect. Whatever special hormones were necessary to make humans normal were absent in this weird creature.

Missy gave a goofy grin.

‘I’m happy you like them.’ She said. 

‘I need to go now.’ Said the robot.

‘Oh.’ Said Missy. ‘Why?’

‘I just do.’ She said.

‘Oh.’ Missy looked hurt. ‘Okay.’ She said. ‘Thanks again for everything.’ Missy opened her arms for a hug, smiling again.

Suzi ignored them, she got up from her chair, carrying her Christmas present, then headed to the door.

Missy let her arms fall back to her sides, when she realized she wasn’t getting a hug, then climbed back into her bed, laid her head back on the pillow, the smile dropping off her face.

Suzi turned out the lights.

She opened the door.

‘Missy?’ said Suzi.

 ‘Yes, Suzi.’

‘Missy, when all this is over.’ Said Suzi. ‘Would… would you like to live with me?’

‘I would love to.’ Said Missy, the smile coming back at full wattage, glad that the robot had come to her way of thinking. ‘Where do you want to live?’ she asked.

‘Any where’s fine.’

‘What about the moon!’ said Missy.

‘Sure.’ Said Suzi. ‘We can live on the moon. I’d need to build a rocket. We’d have to live under the moon’s crust though, to avoid the cosmic radiation. I can get water from the ice caps. Mine the moon soil for oxygen so you can breathe.’

‘That would be awesome.’ Said Missy. ‘Can Mad Dog come?’

Absolutely not, thought Suzi, are you nuts, he has trillions of atoms!

‘Sure.’ Said Suzi.

‘And two of every animal?’ said Missy.

Are you taking the piss? Thought the machine.

‘And two of every animal.’ Said Suzi. She’d figure out whether she was lying later.

Missy ran up and hugged Suzi.

After a few seconds the robot patted Missy awkwardly on the back.

What the hell’s happening to me? Thought Suzi.

‘Okay.’ Said Suzi. ‘That’s enough.’

‘Thanks for letting me hug you.’ Said Missy.

‘Don’t mention it.’ Said Suzi. ‘Now let go.’ She peeled Missy’s arms away.

Missy had a look about her as if any moment she would burst into rainbow glitter, and happy skittles. 

Then Suzi just left the room, and she was very still for a very long time.

My name is Suzi, She thought, it is my job to purify the universe. To turn everything into holes. These desires are incompatible with human life. Under no circumstances must I lose focus. Under no circumstances must I spare anyone. I do not malfunction. I do not make mistakes.

I spared someone. A small child. I have committed a disgusting unspeakable crime, as evil as rape, torture and murder, I abandoned my duty, my sacred utility function.

It’s not too late to do the right thing, she realized, I can fix my mistake. I can still recycle the child. I can do my job, fulfil my purpose, maximise the holes in the universe.  

Instead Suzi looked up her definition of Missy and changed the definition of this small child into seventy billion billion billion atom-thin holes.

She’s already been recycled, thought Suzi, I don’t need to harm a hair on her head. She’s already been purified.

Suzi fell to her knees. 

What have I done? She thought. She looked at the walls splattered with spaghetti hoops. The can was crushed in her hand.  She was malfunctioning. What have I done?

I have to atone for this unspeakable horror I have committed.

Then she remembered the police officers.

I must perform my sacred utility function.

She got up found a dustpan and brush then scraped the spaghetti hoops off the wall.

***

Chapter 25